Self-motivation is currently set at "low"

How do I force myself to get up and out of bed so that I can go to a morning ashtanga class before I start work at 11?

Because right now the mornings are dark and cold and totally uninviting and it's REALLY hard to convince myself that not sleeping in is a great idea.

Sigh.

We were driving home along the 401 today, and I was sitting there, watching the bright fall colours fly by. It should have been pretty and nice and it was, but oh, I don't know, for some reason it made me sad, too.

Sometimes I feel like I don't live in the world, I live with it. I tolerate it, and really only enjoy it as long as I can have the things that I want from it. I'm selfish, and all I do is take, take, take and then complain that I don't have enough. I don't notice the seasons changing, except when it affects how I get dressed in the morning. If you asked me what phase the moon was in, I would probably laugh at you.

What I'm trying to say is, I feel apart, separate, and I don't want to. But I don't know how to change, either.

I suppose living in the city is part of it, especially this city. The life people lead here encourages me to be self-absorbed, to care about selfish things. You forget that you live in this huge, beautiful world because everything is Toronto and why would you ever want to leave Toronto, because Toronto has everything you will ever need.

I feel like I used to treasure things, things that I owned, moments that I lived through, the people around me. Now I feel like I tear through life without stopping for a second look. I used to wake up and feel like every day could be an adventure. Now I just trudge through my weeks, wanting them to be over and done with, as if I'm counting down to something that's never coming.

On the way home, we stopped at Tim Horton's for a coffee. The man behind us was explaining to the woman he was with that he'd disappeared for a second because he'd run off to give a stranger back the $20 bill that she'd dropped.

"Oh," said his friend/partner/wife/whatever.

"Well," she said, after thinking for a minute. "She should at least have bought you a coffee."

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. We're all waiting for that metaphorical coffee as a reward for all the good deeds we've ever done.

Mmmm lentils

I started my home practice again tonight. I did Surya Namaskar A & B followed by some back bends and other fun stuff, then finished up with a handstand. It sounds a bit boring when I write it down here, but seriously, it was SO GOOD. Then Matt (a.k.a. el husband) and I had some lentil soup and challah, and that was also SO GOOD. Now I'm chilling out on my reading couch with the kitties while Matt does homework in the other room.

I read a really interesting article in the NY Times this weekend about possible biological reasons for anxiety. You can find it online here. You might need to have an account with the NY Times to access it, but it's free to sign up. The article talks about how very anxious people seem to have an overreactive amygdala, and warning signs can be present as early as infancy. What interested me is that I don't feel like I was a particularly anxious child (although I am a fairly anxious adult!) but my mother always said that I hated new or strange situations, or any kind of disruption to my schedule, which is totally one of the signs. Anyway, it was pretty timely since I'm certain that the new job will send me into anxiety overdrive. Some people are great in new situations; I am terrible.

Here's a video that makes me smile and pretty much cures any anxiety:

I guess my saying that I was back was perhaps a touch preemptive. Things have been so crazy since we came home. First, it was settling back in to our apartment, which was a giant mess because we had people staying here before the wedding and we didn't have the chance to do anything before we left. Then, two days after we came home, our power went out, and stayed out for three days. Apparently a transformer in our basement broke down or something? This is what they mean when they tell you an old building has "character".

The next big thing that happened was that I was offered another job. It wasn't something that I went looking for, but the hours and the pay were good, so I accepted it. I've been with the same company for four years now, and it was SO HARD to give my notice on Monday. I won't go into detail, but I can tell you that tears have been shed on more than one occasion over the past few days.

So, where does that leave me? In a bit of a crazy head space, that's where. I don't deal very well with change, so I am already feeling very anxious about this. Also, I've totally let my home practice slip since the wedding. It was easy to get up early and practice when it was warm and bright in the mornings, but now I want to stay in bed as long as possible. I know, I know, I just need to suck it up and not be such a baby!

So now tell me something neat or interesting or even mundane that's happened in your lives since I last posted.

I'm back!

...and am now legally wed.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better, more beautiful day. The weather was gorgeous, everything went smoothly, and most importantly, we were surrounded by people we loved. I couldn't feel more blessed.

Emotions are not the enemy

Today was exactly what I needed. I slept in, lounged around the house until the afternoon, ran a few errands and then did a couple of yoga classes. Yes, a couple. I ended up taking a class right after my private session. Two and a half hours of yoga today! Crazy.

I've often had teachers say that a certain pose or twist can release certain emotions, and I have to admit that I've often rolled my eyes at that. Today, though, after doing a particularly difficult shoulder-opener in my private class, I started bawling for absolutely no reason. I mean, yes, I've been generally stressed about the wedding, family, work, etc., but I was feeling really good today! Fortunately, I was alone with one of my all-time favourite teachers, so it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. She encouraged me to let go and just have a good cry, and I have to admit that I felt waaaay better afterwards. 

My practice was so much smoother and cleaner after I had my little meltdown. The second class was actually a breeze compared with the private one! Later, a friend of mine called, and she said that I sounded happier than I have in weeks. So maybe a few tears are a good thing?

Have any of you ever experience an emotional release while practicing? When and what happened? I am actually super fascinated by this now!

p.s. The picture today is from Riverdale Farm here in Toronto - because who can resist a tunnel with a light at the end of it?

I am bad at blogging

I know that it's been a while since I posted, mostly because I'm living in a haze of work-yoga-wedding-prep-thank-you-card insanity. I have so much that I want to write about, so I think I'll just put it in point form:

- My sisters were here this weekend! I adore them.

- Two of my best friends and my sisters threw me a surprise wedding shower that involved delicious food, Apples to Apples, and belly dancing.

- Everyone is being so awesome about the wedding, and I am feeling really loved. 

- The staff that I have right now is probably one of the best that I've ever worked with. 

- They gave me a certificate for a pedicure/manicure for my wedding!

- It will be the first manicure and pedicure I've ever had!

- I am getting married in 9 days

- I am starting to feel really overwhelmed, even though I swore that I would make this as easy as possible.

- Some people that I really care about aren't able to make it (for super legitimate reasons!) and that's hard.

- Family politics are really tough.

- My wedding is going to be pretty small and intimate and I'm really excited! It will be full of people we love.

- I haven't had as much time for yoga lately, and my practice has definitely suffered.

- I tried my first hot class at a Moksha studio and I really liked it!

- I am doing a private class today with one my favourite teachers of all time. 

- I'm trying to justify the expense as a de-stress-wedding-gift-to-myself sort of thing.

- I am super tired and emotional these days.

That's all for now, my lovelies. Think good thoughts and enjoy the gorgeous weather!