Solstice! Christmas! So much fun!

Our holiday celebrations started on Monday, December 21st with the Festival of Lights in Kensington Market, which is their annual Winter Solstice celebration. It was amazing how many people were there, considering that it was freezing cold out and a Monday night. There was a parade of people with home-made lanterns and outlandish costumes, and a bunch of other fire and light related stuff. It was really lovely!

Crowds of people on Augusta Avenue:

Homemade lanterns:

Solstice costumes:

Then on Thursday, they gave us a free lunch at work and let us all go early! This was especially nice since they had been telling us that we would definitely have to stay until 5. Matt and I had thought that we would have to take the bus to Kingston (which you can't pre-purchase tickets for - it's basically first come, first serve), since all the trains after 5 pm had been sold out for weeks and weeks. But since I was finished early, we were able to make an earlier train that still had seats. Lovely! Traveling by train is so civilized.

We made it to Kingston in time for dinner, and then Matt, my sisters and I went to midnight mass. It's a family tradition for Matt and, since he's spent the last few Christmases at my mom's house as his family lives in another province, it's one that we've adopted. I'm not much of a religious person, but I have to admit that there's something really beautiful about midnight mass - the carols, the smell of incense, the candles, the rituals.

On the way home from midnight mass, we saw a coyote! It was quite red, so at first we thought it was a fox, but we later learned that a lot of the coyotes around here are part red wolf. It was so neat! One of the things that I love about my mom's place is that there's a lot of wildlife around - she lives near the edge of town, and we often see deer and foxes. In fact, the deer come right up to her back fence and she throws them carrots and apples in the wintertime.

Christmas day started with a tradition that my sisters and I have, which is to all pile on to one bed and open stockings together. After that we headed down to the living room and opened presents. I got a new wool coat that I wanted, a new bathrobe (I've had my old one for about six years, and I bought it when the Neptune Theatre held its annual costumes and props sale, so God knows how old it actually is), and some gift certificates to by office-y clothes for work. I also got some funny yoga-related stuff - a box of postcards with pictures of cats doing yoga poses on them, and a little statue of a frog in halasana.

I am happy to report that my mother's gift was a huge success - she loved it, and the clothes we got her fit perfectly. I ended up getting the gym bag from Roots - I was describing what I wanted to one of my former co-workers, and she said "oh yeah, that sounds like the tote we had in the summer - you know, I found one a drawer the other days, it's marked down to $19.98 now". It's perfect - it has straps on the front to attach your mat, and lots of pockets and stuff inside. I guess it was fate! For the mat, I got her the Halfmoon EcoYoga Mat, which is supposed to be "decomposable, recyclable and hypoallergenic".

I've convinced my mom to come with me to a gentle yoga class at a local studio, so I'm really hoping that she'll enjoy it. Keep your fingers crossed!

The rest of Christmas day was great. My sisters, Matt and I took a long walk, we came home and watched a movie (Star Trek - oh God, we're all so nerdy) and then had turkey time. I don't normally eat meat, but when I explained to my mom that one of my reasons for going veggie was that I couldn't know where meat came from, or how the animal was treated, she started buying a local, organic turkey for Thanksgiving or Christmas. The first year she complained about the cost, but after trying it, she had to admit that it tasted better.

My sisters and I out for our Christmas walk (I'm the one on the right):

So that was my holiday - how was yours?

My mother recently started going to the gym and, among other things, she started attending a weekly yoga class. I was, of course, elated. Sadly, she tells me that she doesn't get much out of these classes. "I know that I need to go to the gym and be more active," she said, "but I hate it. I really, really hate it."

So imagine my surprise when she asked me to get her a yoga mat for Christmas. "I want to, you know, practice my moves at home," she said. I thought that maybe if I got her a mat and a gym bag to carry it around in and some other fun stuff for the gym ( a cozy sweatshirt, socks, headbands, etc.) it might make her hate it less.

Of course, now I can't find a bag that I like. I want one that can carry a yoga mat, but isn't just a plain, oblong bag. I want her to be able to put gym clothes and stuff in it, too. A few years ago I bought my friend and awesome Gaiam bag that had bungee cords to hold your mat, but when I went back to the store where I bought it, they didn't have anything similar.

So then I went to what my husband jokingly refers to as "The Great Satan", Lululemon. I've never actually bought anything there, but I thought that if anyone had the kind of bag I was looking for, they would.

Well, first of all, they didn't. Second of all, the whole experience was SO CREEPY. The store was full of bright-eyed chipper young girls who approached everyone with "WHO ARE YOU SHOPPING FOR TODAY?" followed by "YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GET HER OUR TRADITIONAL LULULEMON GROOVE PANT, THEY'RE SUPER COMFY". Eep.

I mean, I know I shouldn't be judgmental - I worked retail for a long time, for a fairly big company. I know they were just doing their job, and to give them credit they all seemed to really be into Lululemon and believe in what they were saying. It still kind of set my teeth on edge, though.

The upshot of this is: I still couldn't find a bag. Do any of you have any suggestions?

I keep looking at my blog and thinking that I should post something, but then I realize that I really don't have much to say. I go to yoga classes, I practice, I enjoy it. I know which styles I like, but I don't feel like I know enough about yoga to be able to debate the merits of various styles.

On the one hand, I wish that I was more involved in the yoga community. On the other hand, when I see the politics and the pettiness that goes on, I'm kind of glad that I exist in my own little yoga bubble. I mean, one of the main things I love about yoga is that it's not competitive, but I hear about teachers who are competitive with each other all the time.

Lately I feel like I don't know what I want, or how I want my life to be. People keep asking me what I want for Christmas, but the truth is that I don't really want anything. Honestly, I feel like we already have too much stuff, and that we should be giving some of that away.

This has been a tough week. Matt's last contract ended in mid-November, and he has been looking for something new since then. I've been feeling sort of sick all week (sore throat, fever, but nothing else). I finally gave in and took the day off today. If you happen to think of us, send us some love, okay?

Girly stuff

This doesn't have much to do with yoga, but it does have to do with thinking more about how I take care of myself and the way I treat my body, which is why I'm writing about it here.

I've been on the pill off and on for the past 6 or 7 years. It seemed like an obvious choice to be on it at first - it was a good method of back-up birth control, and then with Matt, once we realized that we both wanted a long-term commitment, it made sense to stay on it.

Now, the more I think about the fact that I'm putting synthetic hormones in my body, the more I'm questioning how good/safe this is.

On the other hand, it seems like condoms probably aren't terribly environmentally friendly.

How do you guys feel about the pill? Have you been on it? What made you decide to stay on it or stop using it? Do you have any alternatives to suggest?

Mid-November complaints

Saturday I had a wonderful practice. It was a really tough class, but I flew through it. My body was so light that I felt like I could have gone on for hours. I felt all lovely and floaty for the rest of the afternoon.

Yesterday, though, was a different story. I'm always amazed at how much my practice can change from day to day. Yesterday everything felt like a challenge - downward dog was uncomfortable, balancing postures were difficult, inversions gave me a headache. I left the class feeling like I hadn't gotten anything out of it - not because of the teacher, but because of my own reluctant body.

Today I just feel sad and lazy, which seems like a dangerous combination. It's partly the weather, and partly stress that's happening in my personal life, and partly being frustrated with myself for the way I feel. When I hear myself talking, I sound like a non-stop complaining machine.

My teacher on Saturday played this song during class:

It almost made me cry for some reason.

Ugh. Sleep.

I am terrible at sleeping. It doesn't matter how tired I am, how long I've been awake, what bed I'm in, I'm just horrible at it.

I can usually fall asleep fine, and I generally sleep somewhat soundly for the first few hours, but I wake up every night at around 3 or 4 and from then on I toss and turn. If I do manage to fall back to sleep, the rest of the night I sleep very lightly and have anxiety nightmares.

It's the WORST. It's got to the point where I hate night, I hate beds, I hate having anything touch me while I try to sleep. Pretty much, I just hate everything. I haven't slept a whole night through for the last five years or so.

I feel like I've tried everything. I've tried eating dinner earlier in the evening, tried warm milk, tried white noise, tried a sleep mask, tried melatonin, tried herbal sleeping pills, tried regular sleeping pills. Right now my doctor has me on Imovane, which is a sleeping pill that is processed out of your system pretty quickly, so you're not drowsy in the morning. Which is great and all, because it helps me sleep more deeply those first few hours, but unfortunately doesn't stop the 3 am wake-ups.

I know sleeping pills are bad. And I know that my insomnia is probably at least partly due to stress. And I also know that I have a really lovely life compared to many people and, as someone who has quite a regular yoga practice, I should be better able to manage my stress.

Sadly, knowing all of these things does not make me sleep better.

If you have any fail-safe sleep-aids, please, please share them. Right now, I feel like I'm at my wits' end.

I had a really great string of classes this week.

On Wednesday night, the teacher taught us a really neat sequence that involves transitioning from crow to a tripod headstand then back to crow and into plank. It was really challenging, and I'm still working on it, but I loved it.

Thursday night two of my friends came with me to class, and I got to introduce them to one of my all-time favourite teachers. They seemed to like the class and said that they would try to come every week. I'm always so interested when non-yoga people enter the yoga world, and seeing what a difference starting a practice makes in their life.

Yesterday I had a teacher that I've seen quite frequently in the last few months (she subs regularly at our studio, and would always come into the store afterwards to chat with me), but that I haven't had as a teacher in over a year. She made a comment during class that my practice was looking really strong, which left me feeling all glowy and happy.

Then on the way home, I started to think about what she'd said. Why did this comment make me so happy? What does it matter how good (or bad) my practice is looking. Do I practice in order to achieve something? What am I trying to achieve?

It's hard to figure out, because I tend to be fairly goal-oriented, and the only tangible "goal" that I can see coming out of my practice would be doing my teacher training. Fair enough, that is something that I'm interested in. But it's not the reason that I practice.

Is my goal to stay fit? That's another possibility. I'm not very active, I don't go to the gym, and now I sit at a desk all day. I certainly do like the feeling of strength and endurance that yoga has given me.

Does anybody else ever question their reasons for practicing? Or are you able to let go of all that and just DO?